i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
