am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
