By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
