She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
