Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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