i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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