i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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