so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
