Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
