Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
