I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
