That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I love you. Go after that dick
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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