I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
why is half of my head shaved?
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