it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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