I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
pop tarts are not kleenex
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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