finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
