roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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