Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
