Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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