I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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