Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
