I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
