Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Your penis caused this!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize