don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
