I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize