I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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