Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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