alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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