He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
