You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
