Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
