I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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