i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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