3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
