Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didn't notice because vodka
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
