My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
