She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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