every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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