I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
