Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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