I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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