the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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