I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
