i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
