oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
