i barfeds in our rink
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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