I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
