So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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