I need help removing her.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize