I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
