Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
