i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think a kid would responsible me up
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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