I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
