I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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