You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
