Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
