Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
