i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
