Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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