My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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