Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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