Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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