Porn is love you can see.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
