upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
