he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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