we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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