Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
