The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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