I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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